


good-bye today

by threerachas



Category: Avengers: Endgame - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, basically steve goes to vormir instead of nat + clint, i hope u like it, lets not debate technicalities of this i wrote this for a moot, n he finally lets go of the past and gives up his compass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-06 21:46:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18859744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/threerachas/pseuds/threerachas
Summary: "The Soul Stone, you see, has a certain wisdom about it. To take possession of it, you must lose that which you love. A soul — for a soul."Steve turns the compass over in his hands.





	good-bye today

**Author's Note:**

> HI so technically ur supposed to sacrifice someone for the stone, n so steve is sacrificing his old self aka the one who would've grown old with peggy bc he's choosing to stay in the present now and this just like one scene ok i'm not rewriting endgame (even if i really wanna) but i just wrote this bc of a mutual's tweet !!! if ur uncomfy abt existential crisises and/or mental breakdowns i don't really recommend reading this bc i've sort of drawn on how i experience those things. that being said, this incredibly un-beta'd bc i don't have one and i don't trust myself to do that. i wrote it in a day so im incredibly sorry its crappy.

Steve turns the compass over in his hands, eyes distant and drifting far, far away from where he was now: light years away from home, overlooking a cliff that plummeted down too far for him to see the end.

He knew his former nemesis was standing behind him, but could not hurt him anymore. Well, not physically.

His mind was running, tripping over itself as it registered the phrase Schmidt told him earlier:

"The Soul Stone, you see, has a certain wisdom about it. To take possession of it, you must lose that which you love. A soul — for a soul."

Steve turns the compass over in his hands.

He'd come to Vormir alone — Nebula had no information on how exactly Thanos had retrieved the Soul Stone, only knowing this was where her sister Gamora had been killed. A sick feeling rose up Steve's throat. He knew why now.

He couldn't quite imagine Thanos would love anyone, least of all his daughter, based off what he knew from Nebula's stories of her childhood. When Steve looked up at Thanos, he saw pure conviction in his eyes, like the Titan really thought what he was doing was right. Like this mission to collect the Infinity Stones and snap away half of all life was what he'd been born to do.

And a dedicated man is more dangerous than an evil one.

Steve turns the compass over in his hands, the harsh wind whipping around him. He couldn't feel Schimdt's presence behind him (he supposed that was one of the effects of the purgatory state) but he knew he was there. And that unnerved him.

When Steve came out of the ice, he'd felt so, so terribly lost and confused. He was sick for a few days even, like his body also knew he didn't belong in this time, this world, a world that had moved on from the war and Captain America became nothing more than a legend rather than a reality.

He threw himself into learning about the modern world, because Steve being Steve, wouldn't just lay down and call out defeat. (I can do this all day. _I can do this for years._ ) But still, the haunting feeling of missing and yearning for the past was always there, in the back of his heart.

Steve turns the compass over in his hand, opening it. The glass was dusty, and slightly cracked, having not been opened in a long while and from being thrown around so haphazardly multiple times. It reminds him of how that feeling of missing has long since faded — when he accepted the Avengers as his new family.

There was a comforting feeling of being included, being wanted, even if technically he was decades older than any of them. They smiled with him, laughed at his jokes, even poked a little bit of fun when he tried to manage their cursing. Steve liked waking up at HQ knowing everyone was there, safe, and was happy to see him too. Those little moments of rest in between missions — watching Nat and Wanda converse in Russian as they trained, Tony and Bruce banging and causing explosions in their lab, even when the Accords caused them to split — there was still Sam, hell even Scott was sort of endearing to be around, and of course, Bucky. 

Bucky was the little piece of the past he was eternally grateful to be in the present with, knowing that someone was there he could recount 'the good ol' days' with (god, they sounded like literal grandpas) made the modern world even more bearable. Bucky kept him grounded, reminded him that even when they had nothing, they had each other. Even after more than 70 years, this was true.

Steve turns the compass over in his hand, and then stares at Peggy's picture. He'd been shocked to learn she was still alive, and he couldn't stop the short swell of disappointment that flared when he learned she'd married and had kids. Everytime he went to see her, though, she reminded him it was best to move on and try making a better life for himself, in the modern world. She told him stories about her kids learning to ride their bikes, drive cars, head off to college — and promised him one day he'd get to experience that too, just not with her, like they'd originally thought. He trusted Peggy, and respected her a great deal, so he did learn eventually how to move on.

( "You've been given a second chance, Steve," Peggy says weakly from her bed.

"But without you," he says flatly.

"Oh, it's fine. I think we've been destined for other people. You know one of the good things the modern world has to offer? Gay marriage has been legalized," she says, a twinkle in her eye. )

Steve turns the compass over in his hand, and remembers something Tony said once, when the team decided to drink while Steve lamented the fact he couldn't get drunk.

( "I spent a lot of time hating on my old man. Even long after he died. I think I still hate him now. But I don't let the hate define me. Howard's the past. I want to try focusing on a better future, try to, you know, give myself a bit more credit." 

Sam nodded. "That's good, Tony," he said. "We shouldn't keep holding on to the past when we can do something about the future." )

Steve turns the compass over in his hand, takes one last glance at Peggy's picture. When this is all over, he decides, he'll take a real break from Avenger-ing. Maybe take a class (pottery? painting?), get into a band (he'll never admit this to anyone, but he's grown kind of fond of Korean boy group EXO), fly to the Philippines (he's heard they have great beaches), those kinds of things. Maybe he'll live on a farm somewhere like Barton, but without a wife and kids. Maybe Bucky'll live with him. 

With the future in his mind, he says good-bye to the past and tosses the compass over the cliff. 

The wind grows stronger, harshly tearing at his clothes as what seems like a thunderstorm growing above him. There's a flash of light, he feels himself slipping into unconsciousness.

( Moments later, he's going to wake in a small pond, drenched like he'd been swimming. Steve is going to feel a small weight in his hand, exactly the same weight as the compass, which he knows from all the times he's held the broken navigation device in his hand. He's going to feel that what he's holding is more jagged and rough to the touch rather than the cool, smooth metal of the compass, however, and Steve will open his hand to stare at the glowing yellow stone. )

( And a little later on, he'll be sitting on a bench overlooking the lake, staring at young Morgan Stark who's going to grow up without her father, and he'll remind himself to always tell her his dad was the strongest person he ever knew. Sam and Bucky are going to be sitting beside him, and Steve is going to tell them about his plans. The compass will not be in the pocket close to his heart anymore, but he knows these people will be by his side until the end of the line. )

**Author's Note:**

> title from[ cancer ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0GgN4MhR5GKn5IcKN0e0rG?si=ezXK7hWbQm6863Td9iCY4Q)by my chemical romance 
> 
> links:  
> [idea for fic by @_mvrvel](https://twitter.com/_mvrvel/status/1127750502265942016)  
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/infinitystarks_)


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